Crackstar
by midnightstardust
Summary: This is pure DGM crack, mostly relating to the characters and various FFN authors
1. Chapter 1

**Hello everyone~ I have recently acquired the nickname 'Star-chan' from some un-named individuals *cough cough crack-babies cough* So that's what I'll be called in this weird... Retarded... Dysfunctional thing of a fanfic~ Enjoy!**

**My special guests who freeload at my virtual house:**

**Elvira Rayne- Vira :9**  
**NoName-chan- NoName chan O.O**  
**Shirubagure- Shiru x3**  
**Pineapplebombgirl- Piña :D**  
**Will of the Abyss- AllenxRoad- Abyss-chan**  
**And the cast! **

Star-chan: *eating skittles*

Allen: *walks in* What did I tell you about eating skittles on the couch? I walked around with rainbow butt last time cause of you -3-

Star-chan: *shrugs shoulders and continues eating* C'est la vie

Lavi: Did someone say Lavi? O_O

Star-chan: No dumbass "C'est la vie" is French for 'that's life.' I wasn't calling you.

Lavi: No need to be jerk about it. *grumbles*

*Vira falls through the trap door on the roof of the ceiling*

Star-chan: *unfazed*

Allen and Lavi: O_O

Vira: Star, guess what!

Star: Wut, I'm kinda busy eating ski- ASDFGHJZKXLCNMQWERYUZBSJ

Everyone in the room: O.e

Star: *chokes* Too many skittles at once...*looks around* Where's my shield?

Allen: You have a shield?

Star: *rolls eyes* Kanda.

Allen: Oh, well I think he said something about visiting-

Star: CALL HIS ASS BACK HERE.

Vira: Why?

Star: Cause I need my shield. NoName-chan is coming to the mansion.

Vira: Oh Gawd, are we having another houseplant throwing fight?

Star: *waves off* No, no we'll save that for next time. Lavi!

Lavi: *jumps a little* Er yes...?

Star: Go get some random characters ok~

Lavi: *gets up and leaves*

Star: Vira, where are Abyss, Piña and Shiru? Are they at the mansion today?

Vira: *shakes head* I dunno I've been in my glitter box all-

*Hears loud ass screaming outside*

Kanda: FUCK NO I'M NOT GOING IN THERE! ALL THESE DAMN FFN WRITER'S ARE BATSHIT CRAZY!

Star: -.- Are we gonna have to use the chlorofoam again Kanda?

Kanda: *shuts up and walks in*

Allen: What's chloroform and how can you control BaKanda with it? O_O

Star: *pats his head* You don't worry your pretty little head Allen, Kanda just remembers what state he woke up in after I used chloroform the last time. *smirks*

*Door spontaneously bursts open and NoName-chan flips into the air about to land on my face*

Star: OH SHI- *grabs Kanda by the ponytail and holds his face over my head*

Kanda: *Gets the shit kicked out of him by NoName-chan's bunny slipper* ASDFGHZKXLVLNNEJKLANDJ YOU FUCKING BITCH!

NoName-chan: I'm armed and ready with houseplants~

Star: *lowers Kanda's bruised face* Oh yeah, were not doing that today~

NoName-chan: Awww... *sees Vira* VIRAAAAAAAAA! *glomps her*

Lavi: *walks in with a bunch of DGM characters*

Star: *stares at Road, Tyki, and Lenalee who just walked in*

Star: JEEZUS LAVI I SAID GET A FEW CHARACTERS NOT THE WHOLE DAMN SHOW.

Lavi: Actually, you said get random characters.

Star: *glares* Hey Lavi did you know I just installed a torture room in the mansion~?

Tyki and Road: DID SOMEONE SAY TORTURE~?

Star: Oh yeah, I forgot about you sadistic bastards~ You guys can take Lavi down there if you want.

Lavi: WHAT?! NOOOOOOOO *being dragged away by Road and Tyki*

Allen: *watches with a pitying expression*

Star: Hmm~ Oh Allen, you wanna go keep your boyfriend company?

Allen: *blushes* B-BOYFRIEND?

Star: *looks over at Vira who is practically foaming at the mouth*

Vira: Yaoi. Yaoi. Yaoi. Yaoi. Yaoi. Yaoi.

Star: Hey where's NoNamechan? She's awfully quiet... That's not a good sign. *grabs Kanda's face again*

Kanda: WHAT THE FU-

NoName-chan: *Ninja kicks me in the side when I thought she'd attack from above*

Star: ASDFGHZJXKLCLV MY FRIGGIN RIBCAGE!

Kanda: *smirks*

Star: *elbows him in the side in my fit of pain*

Kanda: OWWWW FUCKING-

Star: *holds side in pain*

Vira: *laughing her ass off*

Kanda: THAT'S IT, YOU DIE TODAY! *unsheathes mugen*

Star: LAVI! BE MY REPLACEMENT SHIELD! Oh yeah... I sent him to be tortured.

Kanda: *runs after me*

Star: *gets up and runs around* AGHHH, LENALEE! HELP!

Lenalee: gladly *roundhouse kicks Kanda*

Kanda: *falls unconscious on the floor*

Vira: . Is he gonna be ok?

Star: Eh, he'll live *throws skittles at his unconscious body* He's had much worse during the chloroform incident *smirks*

Allen: What happened during that incident anyway?

Star: It involved maple syrup, rope, and A LOT of fangirls~

Everyone in the room: *imagining it and shivering*

Star: Anyway, thanks Lenalee~

Lenalee: No problem~ I gotta go help my brother now!

Star: seeya~ *stares at who's left, Allen, Vira, NoName-chan(hiding in the vents somewhere).

Shiru:*slides down the giant orange slide in the middle of the mansion* Hey guys, I thought I heard Tyki's voice down here a while ag-

Star: DAMMIT! I THREW THE LAST OF MY SKITTLES AT KANDA! Oh, hi Shiru.

Shiru: O.O *stares at unconscious Kanda on the floor* What happened?

Star: -3- My shield tried to slice me .

Shiru: Right... So where's Tyki?

Allen: *points down the hall where you can hear Lavi's screams*

Shiru: ... *goes in that direction*

Vira: Well, Mai Glitter needs to be fed~

Star: Nuuuu don't leave T^T Didn't you have something to tell me in the beginning?

Vira: Oh yeah, I bought you a bag of skittles :3

Star: *glomps* YAAAAAAAY, I LOVE YO-AGGGGHHHHHHGGGGGG *got kicked in the stomach*

NoName-chan: Never let your guard down around a ninja.

Star: BUT YOU'RE NOT A NINJA!

NoName-chan: *spontaneously grows black cat ears*

Allen: O.o D-Did she jus-

Star: *pets his head* Shhhh, just let it happen...

*Tyki limps in with Shiru on his leg, Road next to him carrying an unconscious injured Lavi.*

Tyki: Can you remove THIS. *points to Shiru*

Star: *rolls up random newspaper and hits Tyki across the face* Bad Tyki, Shiru's not a 'this.'

Tyki: *growls*

Vira: That's not a good thing, you gotta discipline your Tyki~

Star: hmm, think I should try the chloroform with him too?

Kanda: *thrashes around on the floor* No... Get away from me you rabid fangirls...

Star: O.o Dafuq? Road~ You seem most capable to wake Kanda up with your magic dream thingy, be a dear and wake him?

Road: -.- Magic dream thingy? Ok.

*couple minutes later Kanda wakes up screaming*

Kanda: THOSE FUCKING FACE-EATING WAFFLE PIXIES!

Allen: o.o Road, what kind of dream did you give him?

Road: *grins and glomps Allen*

Star: hmmm... *sniff* I smell pretzels...

*Piña crawls in through the window*

Piña: PRETZELSSSSSS...

Vira: PASTAAAAA!

Star: CARBOHYDRATESSSSSS~!

Allen: O.O

Tyki: .

Kanda: -_-

Road: :3

Shiru: o.o

Lavi: ... *unresponsive*

Star: I'm kinda tired of looking at Lavi's face... He's cuter when he's not unconscious.

Piña: WAIT, LAVI IS HERE?

Star: Yeah, but he's in dreamland right now, still want him?

Piña: Damn straight. *grabs Lavi's unconscious body out the door.*

Star: Ah, wait have you seen Abyss-chan anywhere?

Piña: Yeah she's upstairs rocking back and forth with her Allen plushie.

Allen: O.O I don't think I want to meet Abyss-chan...

Tyki: Why are we still here?

Star: Hmm... So you wanna go outside?

Tyki: No, I mean why are we still in-

Star: THAT'S A GREAT IDEA~ let's go outside :D

NoNamechan: *jumps down from the vent onto my lap and curls up like a cat*

Star: Eh, NoName-chan? Please get off my lap? *sweatdrops*

NoName-chan: *hisses and grabs her signature shovel*

Star: O.O" *trembling* I've had far too many concussions from that thing... And since I can't move... I guess that's it for my first attempt at crack.

Everyone in the room: Thank God.

**A/N Lol, just wanted to try writing crack~ :D**


	2. Crackstar part deux

**Crack star part duex.**

Star: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!

Allen: Cleaned your room? o.o

Star: NUUUUUUUUUU THAT'S WHERE I KEEP MY SKITTLES YOU- *sees readers*  
-Ahem- Hello again~ Nice to have you back here at the mansion. If you would like to join me and have a room here, then pm me or tell me in a review. Well...if you're gonna freeload then...meh...I already have A BUNCH of authors here so I'd be happy to accommodate-

Noname-chan: *walks in looking sexual as usual* NO ONE IS TAKING MY ROOM STAR-CHAN!

Star: . ...it's a mansion...there's enough room for everyo-

Allen: *tries to sneak away*

Star: HELL TO THE NO, GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE. *throws a pokeball at Noname-chan*

Noname-chan: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU- *gets captured by ball*

Star: *suddenly has a pokeball hat, pigtails, a blue vest, and short shorts* I JUST CAUGHT A NONAME-CHAN!

Allen: Should I run for my life now or...?

Star: *cackles evilly* NONAME-CHAN, I CHOOSE YOU!

Noname-chan: *gets released from pokeball* AKAKAWKAWKOW MOTHERFUC-

Star: NO TIME FOR CUSSING! USE SHOVEL ATTACK!

Noname-chan: Bitch. I do what I want, whenever I want to...if my mom says it's ok.

Star: *facepalms* GODDONUT.

Allen: -.- why am I in trouble again?

Star: YOU THREW ALL MY SKITTLES AWAY!

Allen: THE WHOLE BEDROOM WAS FILLED WITH SKITTLES! HOW DO YOU SLEEP IN THERE!?

Star: I DON'T TELL YOU HOW TO LIVE YOUR LIFE!

Noname-chan: I'm too sexual for this argument *knocks Allen out with her shovel*

Star: *runs up and glomps her* YES NONAME-CHAN YOU'RE ON MY SID-  
*gets hit in the stomach with shovel handle* ASDFHJXK$ &#!OHGODWHY!?

Noname-chan: I'm NO ONE'S POKEMON. *sassy hair flip*

Star: *curled up in fetal position* why must you hurt me?

*A bunch of random authors and DGM characters slide down the giant orange slide*

Vira: Hey star! I brought Mai Glitter! *A carnivorous, face-eating, ass-biting, Tease butterfly lands on her shoulder*

Shiru: I'm just gonna go ahead and go to the torture room with Road -w- I know she's there~ But hi star-chan!

Abyss: Hey~ I left my Allen plushie today so I can play with REAL Allen~ *winks flirtatiously at Allen who is knocked the fuck out*

Piña: Star-chan...I don't see Lavi anywhere...

Star: Eh...he's around...somewhere...*shrugs* Road probably took him to the torture room...I dunno.

Piña: What D: I need to go save my man! *runs off in direction of the torture room*

Star: IF YOU SEE SHIRU IN THERE, TELL HER SHE'S GONNA MISS ALL THE FUN IF SHE DOESN'T GET HER ASS BACK HERE IN A LITTLE WHILE!

Usagi twins: *said in unison* We're here for some fun~ But we have boyfriends to attend to later! -w-

Star: *mutters bitterly* don't rub it in...*mumble mumble* I'm single for life...forever alone...

Usagi twins: . Then make one of THESE assholes your boyfriend Star-chan! *gestures to Tyki, Allen, and Kanda*

Star: Nuuuu...just like Noname-chan says...it's bad for ratings! D:

Tyki: *sees unconscious Allen being snuggled by Abyss on the floor and raises finger to speak*

Star: Before you say anything... he threw away all of my skittles.

Tyki: Ah. Because that is a perfectly legitimate reason for knocking someone out.

Star: Don't judge me you pansy! I may not have a shovel like Noname-chan, but I bet I can still kick your ass!

Vira: OHHH YOU NEED SOME ICE FOR THAT BURN?

Mai Glitter: *sassy head bob*

Tyki: Is this a challenge Ms. Author? *narrows eyes*

Star and Tyki: *Electricity and lightning and shit clash between us*

Vira, Usagi-twins, and Abyss-chan: O.O

Noname-chan: Y'see this is why the Tyki in (If you haven't read it then do so! It's really hilarious! XD) is a wuss. He can't defy me. *smirk*

Vira: My Tyki always obeys me... Yours is just... *shiver* EUEHEHEHEUHUE e.e *random eye twitches and spazzes*

Tyki: Hey! I'm still in the roo-

Noname-chan: STFU! *clocks him in the face with her shovel*

Tyki: *crumples to the floor in pain* OW! I didn't even do anything to you! D:

Noname-chan: Don't be talking back to Vira! I'll cut you! -3-

Tyki: O.O

Star: HINGADINGADERGEN!

Everyone in room: e.e...are you unwell?

Star: That was to get your attention -.- I have decided to completely throw today's schedule out the window and have a face-off with OVER HERE! D: *points to a scowling Tyki*

~ Time skip bitchessssss ~

Kanda: *Walks out in a swimsuit and bunny ears with a fluffy tail, holding up a sign*

Usagi twin: Woot! Woot! Work that bunny tail! ^.^

Kanda: FUCK YOU! D:

Usagi twins: WE HAVE BOYFRIENDS! DON'T YOU LISTEN? *smacks Kanda upside the head*

Star: *wearing a sapphire blue sweatsuit with a star pattern* Yeah yeah needy Kanda, NO BODY CARES ABOUT YOUR OPINION! Just shut up, hold the sign, and look sexy! -.-

Kanda: Che. *mumbles obscenities under his breath*

~Round 1! Fight!~

Tyki: *has on a pinkish purple sweatsuit with rainbows and sparkles and 'JUICY CHEEKS' written on the butt* WHAT THE FUCK DO I HAVE ON?

Everyone in the room: *snickering*

Kanda: ...My bunny ears are crooked...-.-  
Vira: Crooked?! You don't know the MEANING of crooked! *slowly lifts up shirt to reveal her stomach and pokes the hell out of it*

Everyone in room: *facepalm*

Vira: MY TUMMY IS CROOOOOKED! DX

Everyone in room: *double facepalm*

Tyki: what is wrong with her...? How can-

Vira: CROOOOOOOOOOOKEEDD!

*Lavi walks in holding a chibi plushie version of himself*

Lavi: YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHERE I FOUND THIS! IT WAS IN THE BATHROOM UNDER A-

Vira: SHUT THE FUCK UP I'M SPAZZING! MY TUMMY IS CROOOOOOOOOOKED!

Star: Wait Lavi...didn't Piña go looking for you in the torture room? And shouldn't Shiru and Road be with you?

Lavi: No...I was in the bathroom all morn- ER. I MEAN...I was at the gym.

Star: Then...where is...OH GAWD WHO ARE THEY TORTURING IN THERE e.e?

Choco (one of the Usagi-twins): We'll go check it out! *grabs Candy's arm and runs out*

-momentary silence-

Vira: I'M STILL CROOOOOOOOOOOOKED!

Star: e.e *eyetwitch* OH LOVELY ASSISTANTS!

*Two girls randomly pop into the air in a flash of glitter and smoke*

Vira: GLITTER! *A*

*Authors: Not-So-Broken768 (Lee-chan) and Animarecrafter appear*

Tyki, Lavi, Kanda, and a now conscious Allen: O.e This defies logic. How is this even possible.

Vira: *winks* Magic~ *goes back to screaming* CROOOOOOOOOOOOOKED!

Star: My lovely assistants, help me cheer Vira up so we can move on with this thing~?

Assistants: Sure thing~! ^-^ We just gotta give her more glitter right? *throws piles of glitter at Vira*

Noname-chan: NO. WE NEED SOMETHING MORE POWERFUL!

Abyss-chan: But what does Vira love more than glitter? D:

Everyone in room: *stares at Lavi and Allen*

Allen and Lavi: o.e what?

~two seconds later~

Star: *shoving Lavi and Allen's faces together* KISS DAMMIT! D:

Lavi and Allen: *SCREAMING*

Abyss, Noname-chan, and my lovely assistants: *dancing randomly and throwing mounds of glitter over Lavi and Allen*

Vira: GLITTER AND LAVEN?! GLAVEEEEN! *has fangirl seizure of the eyes*

Kanda: Che. Fucking bikini bottom is riding up...*fidgets with the straps*

Tyki: staring at his ass in the mirror and growling at the heart shaped 'Juicy Cheeks'

Star: Okay...*huff* I think *huff huff* she's happy enough...*cough cough wheeze*

Lavi and Allen: *vigorously brushing their teeth*

Abyss: Is it that serious guys? -.-

Star: ALRIGHT. THIS CHAPTER IS GETTING LONG AND ME AND TYKI HAVEN'T EVEN FOUGHT YET!

Noname-chan: Not OUR fault .

Star: *points at Tyki who's still in front of the mirror* HEY NARCI! STOP CHECKING YOURSELF OUT AND FIGHT ME YOU SPINELESS WIMP!

Tyki: ...okay...

~ 5 seconds later ~

Star: NGH! AGH! RAWR! *closing my eyes and trying to hit Tyki*

Tyki: *holding me back with his pinky finger and yawning* You done yet? .

Star: *panting and about to pass out* OH FUCK THIS SHIT. NONAME-CHAN! HIT THIS BITCH WITH YO ALMIGHTY PIMP SHOVEL!

Noname-chan: YUUUUUUSSSS. *raises shovel*

Kanda: *cough cough* cheatinassbitch *cough cough* .

Star: *glares* SHUT THE FRONT DOOR! IT'S COLD!

Kanda: Che. Make me.

Star: *wails* WHY DOES NO ONE LISTEN TO ME! T_T

Noname-chan: *places a hand on my shoulder* You have to beat them within an inch of their life for these asshats to listen!

Star: B-But...I can't do that!

Vira: Because you're too nice?

Star: Because Im lazy! DX

Vira: -.-

Tyki: *for some reason he's filing his nails*

Star: UGH! *pouts* Well! Since I can't beat you physically... I'll just have to dominate over you in other ways!

Lavi: *snickering and playing with the plushie of himself* that sounded really perverted~

Noname-chan: *brains him with her shovel* NO PERVERTEDNESS!

Lavi: D':

Star: Herm. How will I get Tyki to be my bitch -3-

Allen: Maybe...bribe him with something he wants? O.O

Star: THAT'S A TERRIBLE IDEA! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TYKI- *realization hits as she thinks back to a fanfic she read*

Allen: e.e I think she's broken...

Star: *smiles very sweetly* Allen dear~ Come with me for a second!

Allen: I-I don't have a choice do I?

Star: What do YOU think? -w- *drags Allen into a nearby room*

-moments later-

Allen: *sobbing* I DUN WANNA! DX

Star: YOU'LL WEAR IT AND YOU'LL LIKE IT!

Lavi: Jeez... Is she raping him in there? O.o

Noname-chan: Star-chan would NEVER do that!

Lavi: Oh good! Cause I thought-

Noname-chan: she would take him out to dinner first...then drug him...

All of DGM cast- o.o

Vira: What? She is a FANGIRL afterall... -3-

Allen: *seconds later bursts out of the room In white cat ears and a leotard*

Star: DID I SAY I WAS DONE WITH YOU YE- O.O

Allen: *hugs his knees in a corner with small tears in his eyes looking absolutely adorable*

Tyki: Soo...Is this where I take my pants off? O/O

Star: . NUUUU! IF I PUT POKER PAIR IN HERE VIRA WILL KILL ME.

Vira: EUEHUEHEUHEUEEEEW. POKER PAIR?! LAVEN FOREVAR!

Abyss: NUU. ALLENXROAD FOREVER! D:

Noname-chan: BITCH NO. Lucky! Cause it's hawt xD

*Everyone starts arguing over pairings*

Noname-chan: *starts knocking random people out with her shovel*

Star: HEY! *stares at all the unconscious people and the rabid fangirls that we have become*

Everyone: *growl* WHAT? D:

Star:...who's up for IHOP? :3


End file.
